When I lost you.

It's been almost 2 years since i lost you. I never met you never saw you never heard your sweet little heart beat but i loved you so much more than anyone will ever understand. September has always been a hard month i lost my brother in 2004 at the end of September and now the beginning of September is hard because i lost you. I had so many things planned for you, your name was picked i had a plan for car seat arrangements. I was already getting the gender neutrals out and ready for before we knew blue or pink. Your favorite thing to have me craving was sour gummy worms. I had no morning sickness for the first time ever. It all felt so perfect after battling HG (severe morning sickness) times before.

I remember when it started we were at webn, your daddy and I, we had just climbed the stairs to the 6th floor where we were parked i looked out over the edge and felt a sharp pain and some cramping, i thought it was just from all the dairy i had early that day. I rested for a few days….then it happened….. on September 10th i was cleaning our basement in preparation for the new toy room so you and your siblings had room for all your toys, i began to bleed. Light and spotted at first i panicked because this had never happened to me before after 3 healthy pregnancies. I had your grandma keep your siblings while i drove myself to the hospital. Your daddy was out of town so i was all alone. I sat in the hospital bed just waiting and waiting they said my levels were raising still after taking blood well that was a relief, then an ultrasound the lady was so judgemental when she found out you would be number 4 and i was only 21, that did upset me but what hurt the most is she wouldn't even let me see you. I kept trying to ask her questions but all she would say was i can't tell you anything, which made it worse. She sat me in the hallway while she finished up typing something in the doorway i kept trying to look in and see you just to know you were okay. I sat in the room wait for the doctor to come back in and once he did i almost burst into tears as if i knew what he was going to say, but i was wrong he said you were okay, and that your heart rate was normal. They sent us home and put me on bed rest and told me to see the obgyn the monday coming up since the office was closed the next day and to take it easy and lay around. So i did as much as i could but it was hard with your daddy out of town for work and it just being me with your 3 older siblings. I went back again the next day because the bleeding had gotten heavier. Daddy was home by that night at 6pm so i made him come too, but daddy was in alot of pain so i made daddy get seen too. They took daddy back first and left me sitting alone in a waiting bleeding losing you. They finally called me back checked my levels and they had gone up like normal but when i saw the amount of blood i knew. You were gone i was losing you the hospital sent me home to lose you after saying there was nothing they could do they didnt even check and make sure you were still there, but in my heart and my womb i knew you were gone i could feel the emptiness the sorrow. I went to the doctors the next day with my best friend mallorie, we sat in the office being told everything looked normal and mommy argued with the doctor telling them she would fire them it one doctor came in the room when you were ready to be born as if you were still there and everything would be okay. After we left the doctors office we went to pick up your big brother from school and then take aunt Mallorie home. I picked up your siblings from grandma's house and then we went home. That's when it started i was loading your big brother in to the car and I felt a gushy feeling… a big clot… i hurried home as fast i could hoping praying it wasn't you. I pulled my pants down and there it was a big clot, im assuming the placenta, was in my pad on my panties and from there the bleeding just got heavier and heavier my cramps were unbearable, and then around 9pm you came out a tiny intact ball of liquid with this tiny no bigger than 3 cm little squishy inside the sack you looked so peaceful i knew you were gone already, my baby was to perfect for this earth. My sweet little angel grew wings on September 12th at 9pm i buried you in our yard by our tree that grows lillies every year. I miss you so much, and i grieve everyday. It will be 2 years this year since i lost you and last night daddy brought home my only craving with you and insat here tonight and just cried looking at the bag because I haven't has this candy since i lost you. The pain is still there the heartache the lost, I am 1 in 4. 1 in 4 women miscarry and its so hidden and to taboo to talk about, i am a mother of 5 but one just has wings, and learned to fly instead of walk. Yet tonight as i sit here and look at these sour gummy worms crying missing you, writing this. The only thing I can think is I love you my sweet angel, you may not be here on earth but i'll never forget you. Rest in peace Angel baby Oakes September 12th 2016