I Miss Me More......

"I thought I'd miss you (when it ended)

I thought it hurt me (but it didn't)

I thought I'd miss you

I thought I'd miss you,

But I miss me more"

Miss Me More by Kelsea Ballerini

Trying to find the “old you” after a divorce is hard…..really hard. You think about all the things you’ll miss once that person isn't “your person” anymore, you lose that bond with another human and you are suddenly drowning in that loss. When my marriage finally fell apart for good everyone told me to take time to “find me” and I did for a little bit..but let's be honest once you're a wife and a mother even if it's for a few months that's suddenly who you are. Sure I was over my ex our marriage was over way before the word divorce started floating around but I realized I didn't know who I was without him. I had known him since I was 17 years old….who the hell was I without his input into my life, my choices, and my hobbies? Who was I as an adult and as a mother?

Like most teenagers I had hopes and dreams. I had goals and a general plan for my life. I was going to go to college and leave the town I grew up in, build myself up in a world of business and not even think about marriage until 25 and kids weren't even on my rader. That plan went down the tubes by 17, I suddenly was so ready to give up everything I had worked so hard for up until then because I was in love. Now I have a 4 year old and am divorced all before 25. I just started a job somewhat close to what i wanted to do back then but let's be real this isn't what I thought I was signing up for. So how do you go about finding yourself when it's been so long since you have even been in touch with that person? When you have changed so much that the person you thought you were going to be cant even fit into the life you made for yourself?

You take a deep breath and just jump in. At least that's what I’m doing. I picking up old hobbies and seeing if i still like them, this blog is one of those, and Im trying new things. I have no idea if this is the right way to do it but for right now it seems to be working. I spent a good part of my life trying to fit myself into everyone else vision of me and now it time to find my vision for myself. I may be a little “off my rocker” but all good things in life a little crazy right?

I miss me more than I’ll ever miss him. I missed feeling happy in my own skin. I missed knowing what I liked and what I didnt. I missed me being me more than I’ll ever miss my marriage. And I will never make the mistake of giving myself up just to make someone else happy or try to fit into their life. I want to build a life with someone else not just mold myself to fit theirs regardless of myself.